WTF??

Okay, this is just wrong: Sexy Vampire Gets Scissor Happy

Robert, Robert...you're killing me....

And not in a hot, bite-me-real-good kind of way. Thank God there's time to grow it back before New Moon comes out in November 2009.

Cold is hot

Last week, I decided to treat myself to some stress relief and did one of my favorite things: I went to the movies alone. I made a choice that would change my life, damn the laundry until it reaches the rafters, and grind my Christmas shopping to a halt by seeing Twilight, and I am now completely and utterly obsessed with vampires.

I hadn't read the book yet, so I didn't know what to expect, but my first thought when I saw the male lead was that they really should've picked someone more attractive.

But by the end of the movie, I was so transfixed with every glimpse of Robert Pattinson that I could barely breathe. (If you clicked on the above links, you can clearly see that I need to lay off the crack pipe and stick with the popcorn.)

What is it about brooding vampires that makes them so appealing? Their pale, cold, stone-like skin...their beautiful golden-brown eyes that turn to black when they're thirsting for blood...the way they can fling you over their shoulder and fly through a forest at lightning speed...the way they have no beating heart and are forever torn between wanting you in a sexual way and wanting to crush your skull to pieces, inject you with their venomous teeth, and suck the life out of you. Now that's my kind of romance. It's action...it's danger...it's SMOKING HOT.

I was so in awe of this epic love story that I saw it twice. So far. And the trailer viewings have gotten completely out of control. It's like Romeo & Juliet, but with modern dialogue, sharper bicuspids, and better hair.

I think I need professional help.

To make matters worse, I've been spending inordinate amounts of time conniving early Christmas gifts out of people (Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn). Apparently, this is one of my many talents, because so far I've gotten exactly what I wanted.

I figure whoever doesn't like it can bite me. (Please?)

I try not to focus on the fact that RP is only 22 years old. By my calculations, I figure if I had him and Zac Efron at the same time, it would sort of be like I'm with a 43-year-old guy. Which is actually a bit old for me. So let's just say he could be my Ashton. See? It's all good. (Soooooo good...)

Foreign exchange

I have had a photocopier/scanner combo for the past year, and for the life of me, I cannot get the scanner to work. It always says that the USB is not connected, but it iiiiiiiiisss. Tired of my whining, a friend came by yesterday to try to help me figure out what’s going on. We Googled some info on the product and came to a page that offered "Online Tech Chat." Very exciting! Nothing makes me happier than not having to use the phone. Well, besides shoes.

I happily type my name and email address into the box and click “Begin Chat.”

Sergio: Hello, Karen. How may I assist you today?

I poke friend and say, “Sergio?? He sounds like a cabana boy! Dare me to ask him what he’s wearing?”

(Friend rolls eyes.)

Me: I have a [company] photocopier/scanner. When I try to scan something, I get a message that says ‘USB not connected.’

“Sergio is typing.”

…8 minutes later, as friend and I alternate between zombie-like staring at the computer screen while waiting for Sergio to STOP the TYPING and discussing what the f*ck Britney Spears is doing NAKED in that VIDEO…

Me, sick of waiting while Sergio presumably pokes keys with big toe at snail-like pace: Are you still there? Just so you know, I’ve checked all connections, and everything is plugged in properly.

“Sergio is typing.”

Me, making sure Sergio knows I don’t have all day for a response: I’m on a Mac, by the way.

Sergio: I thank you deeply for your efforts.

Me, to friend, in a huff: “Is he getting SASSY with me??”

Friend: “Hmm. Maybe he’s just of a different…um, ‘ethnicity,’ and that’s why his wording is coming across…odd.”

Me: “…”

Friend: “Sometimes companies outsource these sorts of things to other countries, like India or Pakistan or wherever.”

Me: “So do you think these big delays that say ‘Sergio is typing’ really translate as ‘Sergio is eating chicken tikka masala’ or ‘Sergio is adjusting his turban’?”

Friend: “Or maybe ‘Sergio is sleeping. It is 2 a.m. in India.’”

Sergio: To rule out other problems, can I ask you to please copy a piece of paper. Place a piece of paper on the screen and press the green button for color copy or the black button for black copy.

Me: Caaaarefully following instructions because WOW! Who knew this photocopier could copy stuff? All those quarters I’ve been wasting at the local library — POOF!

Me: The photocopy function works fine.

Sergio, quickly and with much enthusiasm: This is good to know.

183.2 seconds pass while “Sergio is typing”…not that I’m counting…

Sergio: I must inform you that [company] offers only phone support for Macintosh environment. We would have been very glad to assist you through chat but unfortunately [company] does not offer chat support for this product due to no availability of complete information. Additionally, we are not trained and expertise in resolving the issues with MAC OS. We regret for inconvenience caused and hope you understand our limitations.

Me, to friend, in disgust: “Shouldn’t I have had him at ‘I'm on a Mac’??”

18 minutes pass while Sergio presumably flips through phonebook for support number with his eyelashes…

Me, giving a nudge: Could you point me in the direction of where I could find support for this issue?

Sergio (zzzzzz…wha...?): You can avail complete support on the Macintosh environment through our phone support teams. You can call them @ 800-GO-EFFOFF or 800-696-6969. These service engineers are Macintosh OS specialists and would be able to help you over the phone. This Support is available at the following timings:

27 minutes later, Sergio finds the timings…and also: Bin Laden! But wait, first things first…

Sergio:
* Monday through Friday: 8am-midnight EST
* Saturday: 10am-6pm EST
* Sunday: No support hours.

Me: Great — thank you very much!

Sergio: We sincerely apologize for the inconvenience and look forward to assist you. We also offer e-mail support for MAC OS. You can contact our email support at: www.bollywoodmac/curryinahurry.com.

But wait! Apparently, there’s more helpful info on the way because “Sergio is typing”!

Sergio: Do you have any more queries for us?

Me, amazed that it took 6 more minutes to type that question: I think that’s all.

I sit and wait for about 11 more minutes because “Sergio is typing” and, well, you just never know what Sergio is up to...

Sergio: May health and happiness be yours in all seasons.

Me: Yes. You, too. Have good…seasons.