On a bender
Ever hear of this?
I had the t.v. on this morning while I was doing my work (which is the absolute BEST way for a copy editor to make sure they catch every error, I've heard), and an infomercial came on for this exercise ball. Being the infomercial whore I am, I saw about 3.4 seconds of the pitch and was already sold and halfway to the phone with credit card in hand.
Well, actually, the first thing I do when I come across an infomercial is scoff. And then I roll my eyes. And then I bolt for the phone. (This all fits within the 3.4 second timeframe.)
Anyway, I call the 800 number and hear a recorded voice, and I immediately thank the Lord above because now I don't have to deal with listening to umpteen offers after I've completed my purchase. I can just place my order and hang up. Yay!
This conversation (for lack of a better word to describe the occasional word or series of numbers said to a non-person who is giving you canned instructions over the phone) went like this:
Non-person: "Please let me see if I have your correct information. Your last name begins with the letter __, is that correct? If it's correct, say yes. If it's not correct, say no."
Me, dumbfounded: "Yeeeeessss..." (How in hell do they know my last name?)
Non-person: "Please let me see if we have your correct address. Is it _______? If that's correct, say yes. If it's not correct, say no."
Me, wondering if I've accidentally called the Psychic Hotline: "Y-yes."
After giving my credit card number to Non-person, "she" says: "Please say the expiration date as you see it on your card. For instance, if the expiration date is May of 2008, say '05/08.'"
Me, shocked into silence because the expiration date on my card IS May of 2008!: "What the f-...??"
Non-person: "I'm sorry. I missed that. Can you please say the expiration date again?"
Me, in a small, frightened voice: "05/08."
Non-person: "Okay. Your order is now complete. If you would like to upgrade your order from a Bender Ball with video to a Bender Ball with DVD for only $2 more, please say 'okay' now."
Never one to make snap decisions about money, this is me: "..."
Non-person: "I'm sorry. I missed that. If you'd like to upgrade to a DVD, please say 'okay' now."
Me, figuring what the hell it's only 2 bucks: "Okay."
Non-person: "Great! Now. Let me tell you about these fat-burning dietary supplements that you can have for only $25 per month. Taking these all-natural supplements while using the Bender Ball will provide the ultimate fat-burning so you can get the most out of your workouts! They will be automatically delivered to your house each month, for your convenience..."
*I press the '0' to see if that's The Secret Button That Shuts Up the Non-person*
Non-person: "...and you can cancel at any time. If you'd like to take advantage of this terrific offer, please say 'okay' now."
*Slaps self in head because SHOULD I HAVE PRESSED THE POUND KEY? IS THAT THE SECRET BUTTON??*
Me, hoping this will be the opposite of 'okay': "NO."
Non-person: "I can understand your hesitation. But this is such a terrific, one-time offer I will give you one more chance to take advantage of it. If you would like to, please say 'okay' now."
Me: "NO. No. Nonononononononono. No!"
Non-person: "I'm sorry, I missed that. If you'd like to take advantage of this terrific, one-time offer, please say 'okay' now."
Me: "No."
Non-person: "Okay, that's fine. (It is? Really? Why, that's just...terrific!) I'm sure you're thinking 'No, please, not another offer,' but I just have to tell you about our new DVD workout designed..."
Me, hoping that a combo-type rejection is more convincing: "No (punches '0') no (punches '#') nononono (punches '0#0#0#')."
Non-person: "...tighten your buns..."
Me, weeping quietly: "No. Nononono. No. Thank you."
Non-person: "I'm sorry. I missed that. If you'd like ..."
*I then begin banging madly on the 0 and the # and screaming "NOOOOOOO DEAR-GOD-IN-HEAVEN NONONONONO!!!!"*
Non-person: "I can understand your hesitation. But this ..."
*I'm now stabbing myself in the eyeballs repeatedly with the phone antenna.*
Finally I work up the guts to just hang up. And I pray that my original order went through even though I didn't complete the phone call (because it was such a terrific, one-time offer of $12! for the ball AND the DVD!). And then I congratulate myself for not allowing myself to be sucked into paying ten times as much money for a bunch of things I never wanted in the first place (unlike that time I ordered a food chopper after watching an infomercial and ended up getting three for the price of one with your one-year subscription to People magazine!) (The two "free" choppers have since been gathering dust in my closet, and the one-year People subscription was something like 24 bajllion dollars. Another terrific, one-time offer!) (Also, the one chopper I really wanted is...somewhere unbeknownst to me.) (Not that I've ever looked for it because who the hell needs a food chopper when you have Ginsu knives?)
I still cannot get over what I was put through just to place a simple order. They're sooo lucky I didn't hang up before I gave my credit card number (even though they probably already knew that, too). Some companies have such...BALLS.
I had the t.v. on this morning while I was doing my work (which is the absolute BEST way for a copy editor to make sure they catch every error, I've heard), and an infomercial came on for this exercise ball. Being the infomercial whore I am, I saw about 3.4 seconds of the pitch and was already sold and halfway to the phone with credit card in hand.
Well, actually, the first thing I do when I come across an infomercial is scoff. And then I roll my eyes. And then I bolt for the phone. (This all fits within the 3.4 second timeframe.)
Anyway, I call the 800 number and hear a recorded voice, and I immediately thank the Lord above because now I don't have to deal with listening to umpteen offers after I've completed my purchase. I can just place my order and hang up. Yay!
This conversation (for lack of a better word to describe the occasional word or series of numbers said to a non-person who is giving you canned instructions over the phone) went like this:
Non-person: "Please let me see if I have your correct information. Your last name begins with the letter __, is that correct? If it's correct, say yes. If it's not correct, say no."
Me, dumbfounded: "Yeeeeessss..." (How in hell do they know my last name?)
Non-person: "Please let me see if we have your correct address. Is it _______? If that's correct, say yes. If it's not correct, say no."
Me, wondering if I've accidentally called the Psychic Hotline: "Y-yes."
After giving my credit card number to Non-person, "she" says: "Please say the expiration date as you see it on your card. For instance, if the expiration date is May of 2008, say '05/08.'"
Me, shocked into silence because the expiration date on my card IS May of 2008!: "What the f-...??"
Non-person: "I'm sorry. I missed that. Can you please say the expiration date again?"
Me, in a small, frightened voice: "05/08."
Non-person: "Okay. Your order is now complete. If you would like to upgrade your order from a Bender Ball with video to a Bender Ball with DVD for only $2 more, please say 'okay' now."
Never one to make snap decisions about money, this is me: "..."
Non-person: "I'm sorry. I missed that. If you'd like to upgrade to a DVD, please say 'okay' now."
Me, figuring what the hell it's only 2 bucks: "Okay."
Non-person: "Great! Now. Let me tell you about these fat-burning dietary supplements that you can have for only $25 per month. Taking these all-natural supplements while using the Bender Ball will provide the ultimate fat-burning so you can get the most out of your workouts! They will be automatically delivered to your house each month, for your convenience..."
*I press the '0' to see if that's The Secret Button That Shuts Up the Non-person*
Non-person: "...and you can cancel at any time. If you'd like to take advantage of this terrific offer, please say 'okay' now."
*Slaps self in head because SHOULD I HAVE PRESSED THE POUND KEY? IS THAT THE SECRET BUTTON??*
Me, hoping this will be the opposite of 'okay': "NO."
Non-person: "I can understand your hesitation. But this is such a terrific, one-time offer I will give you one more chance to take advantage of it. If you would like to, please say 'okay' now."
Me: "NO. No. Nonononononononono. No!"
Non-person: "I'm sorry, I missed that. If you'd like to take advantage of this terrific, one-time offer, please say 'okay' now."
Me: "No."
Non-person: "Okay, that's fine. (It is? Really? Why, that's just...terrific!) I'm sure you're thinking 'No, please, not another offer,' but I just have to tell you about our new DVD workout designed..."
Me, hoping that a combo-type rejection is more convincing: "No (punches '0') no (punches '#') nononono (punches '0#0#0#')."
Non-person: "...tighten your buns..."
Me, weeping quietly: "No. Nononono. No. Thank you."
Non-person: "I'm sorry. I missed that. If you'd like ..."
*I then begin banging madly on the 0 and the # and screaming "NOOOOOOO DEAR-GOD-IN-HEAVEN NONONONONO!!!!"*
Non-person: "I can understand your hesitation. But this ..."
*I'm now stabbing myself in the eyeballs repeatedly with the phone antenna.*
Finally I work up the guts to just hang up. And I pray that my original order went through even though I didn't complete the phone call (because it was such a terrific, one-time offer of $12! for the ball AND the DVD!). And then I congratulate myself for not allowing myself to be sucked into paying ten times as much money for a bunch of things I never wanted in the first place (unlike that time I ordered a food chopper after watching an infomercial and ended up getting three for the price of one with your one-year subscription to People magazine!) (The two "free" choppers have since been gathering dust in my closet, and the one-year People subscription was something like 24 bajllion dollars. Another terrific, one-time offer!) (Also, the one chopper I really wanted is...somewhere unbeknownst to me.) (Not that I've ever looked for it because who the hell needs a food chopper when you have Ginsu knives?)
I still cannot get over what I was put through just to place a simple order. They're sooo lucky I didn't hang up before I gave my credit card number (even though they probably already knew that, too). Some companies have such...BALLS.
posted by Karen Sunday, April 22, 2007
8 Comments:
Oh, so funny. I would have been the same way: at first SO HAPPY to not have to talk to a live person. And then increasingly less happy.
LOL this is too funny! I hope you get and enjoy your ball!
Funny!
This kind of thing happens to me too. I keep saying NO NO NO but telemarketers don't know the phrase "no means no"... they think "no means maybe yes sometimes" or "no means keep asking until they change their mind to yes"!
Too funny, Karen. Maybe you should've ordered it on their website though????? ;-)
"Mandy: Voice of Reason"
Seriously, do you believe I never thought of that?? And I even looked up the website so I could include the link in this post! GAH!
LOL about ordering it online instead of the phone.
I hate automated phone ordering places. Hate them. I just want to talk to a live person! ARGH!
ROFL!
I used to be a telemarketer. One of the first things they teach you is to say "I can certainly understand your hesitation..." whenever someone says no.
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