Sunday, January 21, 2007

Spain: The new continent

There's no better way to boost your ego than to take an I.Q. test, don't you think? I mean, there's just nothing like being asked questions about topics that were always your worst nightmare in high school to make you feel inadequate as an adult member of this planet and even maybe a little bit, oh, STOOPID.

I took part in a research study over the weekend, and part of the research involved taking an I.Q. test, which I was kind of psyched about because I've never had my I.Q. tested before (at least not formally). So, being the English wiz wizz whiz that I am, I started out feeling very competent. Okay, brilliant. I was thinking, well, this isn't so bad! I might be smarter than I think I am, and won't it be fantastic if I can brag to everyone I know about my genius I.Q.? That would be SO COOL, and I'm sure my friends and family would be so nauseated proud!

After the English section, I was asked to do all kinds of things with colored blocks to create designs. And again? BRILLIANT. Okay, I got a little stuck on the last design, but it was quarter of twelve and I was ready to break for lunch. If they want you to perform at your best, why don't they serve snacks, for cripe's sake?

After lunch, I did a section on figuring out math word problems in my head without being able to write anything. I was surprised at how well I did, considering the fact that I'm pretty much mathematically crippled. But even with what I think I might've gotten wrong, I figured I was still doing quite well. Hey, everyone has areas where they are weaker than others, right? Unless you're some sort of freakish...freak.

But then. Oh, then. Then, then, then. Then came the Geo questions. I have always had problems with anything Geo. Geography, geometry...geographical, geometrical. The subjects I have hated since, oh, FOREVER. And what happens to me when I'm asked about something having to do with either of these subjects is that my brain freezes into a huge cube of icy matter and becomes completely useless. Unable to process information. Incomprehendo. Mucho.

So, the Test Administrator announced that the next few questions would be about continents. You know, like "What continent is X on?" Stuff like that. As soon as I heard the word "continent," I became nervous. And peed myself. ("Ohhh...I thought you said INcontinent! HA HA! Silly me!")

I'm KIDDING. I did not pee myself. I was too busy trying to keep myself from fashioning the plastic top from my Dunkin Donuts coffee cup into a mock knife with which to gouge my eyeballs out. (Check out the grammatical correctness of that last sentence, will you?) Because that would've been so embarrassing!

Test Administrator: "Where is X (something with a tilde) located?"
Me: (Anything with a tilde is surely Spanish!) "Um..."

I could NOT think of what continent Spain is on! I knew that North America and South America were definitely out. I mean, duh. But I'll be damned if I could think of another fricking continent because of the Brain Freezing Problem.

Test Administrator: "You can just guess if you don't know."
Me: "But wait...I know this!"

Two point four seconds later...

Me: "Okay, Spain."

OH. MY. GOD. Why didn't I just stick with "I don't know"??

A little later...

Test Administrator: "What is the capital of Italy?"
Me: "Oh! I know this!"

Silence. For three full minutes.

Me: "...Milan?"

Doh! Why do I feel that this might be the wrong answer? Oh, well. At least it's not as ridiculous as the Spain answer. Surely.*

A little later (after much, much more CORRECT, GENIUS-QUALITY answers were given)...

Test Administrator: "Who was President during the Civil War?"
Me: "Oh, boy."

Silence. Nervous giggles. Okay, when the hell was the Civil War again? Was it the 1800's or the 1900's? Did I forget to mention I also hated history classes?**

Me: "I'll just have to guess because I have no idea."
Test Administrator: "That's fine. Go ahead."
Me: "Theodore Roosevelt."

The Test Administrator was very kind, I should point out, and never once burst into hysterical laughter, peeing herself from my sheer incontinents incompetence. She was really, really nice. I'm quite sure she waited until I had left the building before pointing her finger at the door I exited, shrieking "OH MY GOD WHAT A DUMB-ASS!!!"

I did make her laugh once, though, when she asked me this question: "Why is it important for people to know history?"
Me: "So that they won't make complete asses out of themselves during an I.Q. test."

Go, me!
_____________________

*Rome. The answer was ROME. I had to GOOGLE IT. And then it was so obvious! Oh, yes! You mean the place where I actually VISITED and LOVED and am DYING to see again?? Ah. I knew that.

**My most vivid memory of history class is that Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin. And what exactly am I going to do with that information? Hell if I know.

4 Comments:

Blogger Staci said...

This post really made me laugh. We've all been there... taking a test and feeling like an idiot. I'm sure your final score was terrific.

1:05 PM  
Blogger Colleen said...

I am sooooo laughing outloud. I am seriously wondering why you would even consider doing a research thing on IQ and whatnot. I wouldn't be brave enough. No one really needs to know just how stupid I really am. LOL. So, ugh. whats your I.Q.??

10:02 PM  
Blogger Swistle said...

Oh, man, too funny. I'm remembering the last such test I took, where they showed all these unfolded boxes and wanted me to guess which of four completed boxes the unfolded one represented. Me = not so good at spacial relations. I ended up filling in cicles thusly: B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B. Because my 25% random rightness was BETTER THAN what I would have gotten by trying to figure it out.

12:52 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels stupid about certain things!

Colleen, I have no idea what my score is yet. I have to go back for more tests. GOD HELP ME.

4:28 PM  

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