Parental double talk

I just wanted to inform all parents of the world -- just in case you all weren't aware -- that we are not supposed to spank our children, or yell at them (HA!), or tell them they are "bad." And it is our job to teach them not to hit (thus, the no spanking rule) and not to be a bully. And you should use discretion with allowing them to use toys that even vaguely resemble a weapon of any kind. And this includes water squirters. (I refuse to call them the G word! Because that is Very Bad! But I do not say this to my children because we should not say the word "bad"! Because that is...not good!) And many parents do not allow their children to play with toy swords, or even to shape their thumb and index finger into the shape of a...G word. Nowadays, kids get punished if they are caught playing "G and robbers" on the playground using their fingers as makeshift G's. So we all need to teach our children not to play this way because it is completely unacceptable.

In other news, Chicken Licken never got to tell the King that the sky was falling because HE WAS BRUTALLY ATTACKED AND CANNIBALIZED BY FOXY LOXY. And that's okay! Because that is storytelling at its best! In fact, this book is clearly labeled "For beginning readers," because apparently it is a good idea to introduce the concept of murder at the age of five. And for those who have children who begin reading a bit earlier than others, you will be happy to know they can become aware of this important societal danger at the age of four.

The thing is, I remember "Chicken Licken" fondly. In fact, when I noticed the book mixed in with the 98,327 other children's books in my kids' stash, I was so excited! I grabbed the nearest child (who happened to be Jason) and insisted that we read it right away! And Jason was excited because he loves when people read books to him. So we got right down to business.

Let's see. The acorn falls on Chicken Licken's head, so he must tell the King that the sky is falling. On the way, he meets Henny Penny. And then Ducky Lucky. And Goosey Loosey and Turkey Lurkey. Oh, how Jason and I giggled at these funny names! It was all coming back to me now, those wonderful childhood memories!

So! They all become great friends and agree to go with Chicken Licken to inform the King about the sky situation. On the way, they meet Foxy Loxy (another funny name! more giggles!). Foxy Loxy offers to show them all the best way to get to the King's...residence (presumably a castle, but this fact is not clear). Instead, he leads them into his den, where his wife and kids are waiting for their dinner.

Me: "Jay, what do you think happens next?"
Jay smiles and says: "I think they invite them all over for supper and they eat lots of food, like hotdogs and marshmallows!"
Me: "You could be right!"

With much anticipation, Jason turns the page and I read: "The foxes gobbled up Chicken Licken, Henny Penny...Ducky Lu...what the...??" Jason's face went from happiness to horror, and I was dumbfounded. Why do I not remember this? More importantly, why do I specifically remember liking this book? Because, you see, this is how it ENDS. No one called 911 to try to head off this tragedy. Mel Gibson did not show up to save the day (probably because he was drunk). Nothing was done! Foxy Loxy and family gobbled up the group of new friends with the adorable names. The End. And at this point, I suppose it's our cue to say to the child, "That was a great story! Now go choose another book! How about 'Silence of the Lambs'?"

Jay, in horror: "Mommy, why did Foxy Loxy do that? Why did he eat them all??"
Me: "Because Foxy Loxy was b-...not a nice fox. And he wanted to feed his family."
Jay, curious now: "So, what this book is saying is that it's socially acceptable to lure groups of people to your house so that you can eat them for dinner?"
Me: "Apparently so. Want some marshmallows?"
Jay: "Okay!"

And this, my friends, is how Jeffrey Dahmer became twisted.