I don't quite know what to say.

So, I have this thingamabob at the bottom of my home page that tracks the comings and goings for this site. Most of the time, I don't know for sure who exactly is visiting me, but I can make educated guesses. And I am very educated, as you all know. But now I feel sort of censored. And I also think I might be getting a touch of Laughinginchurchaphobia. You know, when you're in church (or, for others, like Jason, temple) and it's really quiet and there's that Holy Echo of the pastor/minister/rabbi followed by excruciating silence going on and you feel that giggle start to bubble up in your chest? And you just know that if you let forth even the tiniest bit of air, or even allow your pursed lips to separate ever so slightly, you will completely lose all self control and start cackling hysterically and make a total ass out of yourself? Well, that's sort of like how I feel right now. The only things I can think of to say other than, "Today is really hot! Really. Hot! And humid! And I had Cheerios for breakfast!" are these...Other Things...that are bubbling up in my chest and my fingers are twitching over my keyboard in evil anticipation.

But no. No! I won't. (deep breath)

Alrighty, then! So, does anyone do the Colgate Trick for zits? You know, where you put a dab of toothpaste at the first sign of a zit -- when you first get that little tingly, itchy spot and telltale bump? (I call it the Colgate Trick, because that is my brand of choice, but truthfully it could be any brand of toothpaste -- but it must be PASTE, not GEL, or it won't work. Trust me.) Anyway, today I noticed The Tingle and subsequently did The Trick. And then I felt The Burn (because you must feel The Burn, or else you did something terribly wrong), and the bump is slowly disappearing. Hurray!

However. It should be noted that one should not answer the door whilst in the midst of the Colgate Trick. Particularly if the area which is being treated is directly underneath your nose. Because that's kind of a gross area for just about anything to be. Unless it's a mustache. And you're a man.

I am SO embarrassed. You would think the minty-fresh smell beneath my nose would've reminded me, but no! No, it did not. And here I was thinking that the UPS man was staring closely at my face because he was mesmerized by my beauty. What can brown do for me? Well, brown obviously cannot tell me to go wash your face, you coke addict FREAK. It would rather stare and then laugh at me after I shut the door. Presumably.

Anyway!

This brings back memories of when I was nursing Jason. Because that's when I REALLY became addicted to coke. (Kidding! Hi, Mom!) Jason would nurse enthusiastically for about ten seconds, and then the eyes would begin to droop and the sucking would become slower and slower and slower...and then he'd be asleep. And I'd be shaking him stroking his arms and rubbing his feet gently to wake him up so we could continue our feeding, and he'd wake up periodically to feed for, oh, about ten more seconds before taking another snooze. So, you know how you're supposed to nurse every two hours? And you're supposed to count from the beginning of one feeding to the beginning of the next? Well, that would leave me with, like, 25 minutes between feedings. Just enough time to hide in the bathroom for a good, long cry followed by a row of Oreos.

Needless to say, I pretty much became a fixture on my living room couch and spent most of my time jostling him about following the directions of the La Leche League Nazi advisor who came to my house to help me -- such as, removing his clothes so that the frigid air would keep him awake. The problem was, Jason seemed to really like being cold. He would snuggle down even more deeply in my arms and, honestly, is there anything more precious than listening to a newborn snore? I mean, really! I would often be heard cursing like a sailor cooing things like, "Will you WAAAAKKKKE UUUUUUUUUP?!?!" "C'mon, my sweet little baby boy! Time for num-nums!"

But where was I going with this again? Oh, yes, my experience today reminded me of when I spent so much time with my shirt unbuttoned that I lived in dread fear of forgetting to button up before answering the door. Because then the UPS guy might've given me a Joey ("How YOU doin'?).

(Can you tell I do most of my shopping online, by the way?)

So, yeah, that's about it. Just a little funny I wanted to share about my embarrassing experience. With the UPS guy. And the face spot. And my fear of unintentional flashing. And...

My sisters have the goofiest-looking kids! (Hi, Lynn and Janice!) And I hope no one from Kentucky comes to Michigan in October because people from Kentucky have really dumb accents and they smell really bad! (Hi, Suzanne!) And the administrator of the Febbie Moms board is stoopid! (Hi, Andrea!) And I would love to track mud across a Certain Someone's gleaming floors just to piss her off! (Hi, Hollie!) And it's no wonder Bush comes from Texas because all Texans are losers! (Hi, Elyse!) And I think Some People cheat at Weboggle! (Hi, Jenn!) Not to mention the Daily Quiz! (Hello, Sharen!) And, just in case she decides to drop by, MY BOSS IS A JERK! (Hi, Kim!)

Oh, and anyone from the Flamingo board is...a poopyhead. (Hi, girls!)

Ahhh. That's better.

Wait. One more thing: All you people who are visiting this board from Germany? And Japan? And the Isle of Zurupka? You are welcome to drop by anytime! Please, don't be turned off by the fact that my blog is written in English. And I do love to return the favor by visiting your blogs, which are highly entertaining! Oh, and Shunichi? Your last post? I know EXACTLY what you're saying! Jisou doraibu touhou toppyoushimonai mata! All the time!